For the last time, there is NOT a secret exit from the bathroom! If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine or meow, try to turn the knob or get your paw under the edge to try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for years - canine or feline attendance is not mandatory.

The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog or cat's butt. I cannot stress this enough!

But I still love you and cherish every moment we share.  

Your loving Mom and Dad

What Dogs Have Taught Me
Daily Routine

The day is divided into two important sections. Mealtime.
And everything else.

I. Mealtime

1. Just because there does not seem to be anything visible around to eat
certainly does not mean there is nothing around to eat. The act of
staring at the underside of a table or chair on which someone else is
eating sets in motion a chain of events that eventually results in food.

2. It goes without saying that you should carefully check the lower third
of any space for edibles. Mouth-sized things which cannot be identified
by sight or smell are considered gum.

3. When you actually receive a meal, submerge your head into it as you
would a shower. Never, never look up again until a minimum of at least
fifteen minutes after the obvious food is gone. This is important.
Just because your dish is empty does not mean that it is time to stop
eating.

4. Remember that all food is potentially yours up until the time that it is
actually swallowed by another. The lengthy path a piece of food will
take from a plate to a mouth via a hand is as good a time as any to
stake your claim to it.

5. When it comes to selecting an appropriate beverage, location and
packaging mean nothing. There are absolutely no exceptions to this
rule.

6. If you really see something you want, and all your other attempts at
getting it have failed, it is only right to grovel shamelessly. As a
second tactic, stare intently at the object of your desire, allowing
long gelatinous drools to leak like icicles from your lower lip.

II. Everything Else

1. There are really only two important facial expressions to bother with:
complete and overwhelming joy and nothing at all.

2. Any time that is not meal time is potentially nap time. The best time
to take a nap is when you hear your name being called repeatedly. The
best location for a nap is dead center of any street or driveway. The
most relaxing position is on your side, all four limbs parallel.

3. The most practical way to get dry is to shake violently near a fully
clothed person. A second effective method is to stand on a
light-colored piece of furniture.

4. Personal Safety

A. At the first hint of any irregular noise, run from room to room yelling
loudly. If someone actually comes into the house, rush over to them
whether you know them or not. Then kiss them so violently that they
lose their balance or have to force you away physically.

B. The greatest unacknowledged threat to life as we have come to know it
is squirrels. No matter what you must do, make sure there are none in
your yard.

5. Recreation and Leisure

A. Ball: There are two equally amusing sets of rules you will want to
know.

1) The Common Form, in which you receive a thrown ball and return it.
2) The Preferred Form, in which you receive a thrown ball and eat it.

B. Car: As you know, any open car door is an invitation to get in. Once
inside, your only goal is to try to get out.

6. Health

A. In the event of a trip to the doctor, always be on your guard. If you are vaccinated, urinate on the physician.

25 Things Cat Lovers Know

Here is a list of 25 things that cat-lovers know, but won't admit.

- An aquarium is just interactive television for cats.

- Anything on the ground is a cat toy. Anything not there yet, will be.

- Dogs do what you tell them to do. Cats take a message and get back to you.

- Buy a dog a toy and it will play with it for ever. Buy a cat a present and it will play with the wrapper for 10 minutes.

- A cat's motto is no matter what you've done wrong, always try to make it look like the dog did it.

- A cat bites the hand that won't feed it fast enough.

- Cats are rather delicate creatures and they are subject to a good many ailments, but I never heard of one who suffered from insomnia.

- Cats are smarter than dogs. You can't get eight cats to pull a sled through snow.

- Cats aren't clean, they're just covered with cat spit.

- Cats don't hunt seals. They would if they knew what they were and where to find them. But they don't, so that's all right.

- Cats instinctively know the exact moment their owners will wake up. Then they wake them 10 minutes sooner.

- Cats know what we feel. They don't care, but they know.

- Cats seem to go on the principle that it never does any harm to ask for what you want.

- Dogs have owners. Cats have staff.

- Dogs believe they are human. Cats believe they are God.

- I had to get rid of my wife. The cat was allergic.

- I have studied many philosophers and many cats. The wisdom of cats is infinitely superior.

- In a cat's eye, all things belong to cats.

- On the Internet, nobody knows you're a cat.

- One cat just leads to another.

- People that hate cats will come back as mice in their next life.

- Some people say that cats are sneaky, evil, and cruel. It's all true, and they have many other fine qualities as well.

- There are many intelligent species in the universe. They are all owned by cats.

- When I wash the cat, it takes me hours to get the hair off my tongue.

- You can always tell a cat, but you can't tell him much.

How To Give Your Cat A Pill

 (Resist impulse to flatten cat.)

14. Roll cat in towel. Work fast; time and tabbies wait for no man-or
woman.

15. Resume position 1. Rotate your left hand to cat's head. Press its
mouth at the jaw hinges like opening the petals of a snapdragon.

16. Drop pill into cat's mouth and poke gently. Voila! It's done.

17. Vacuum up loose fur (cat's). Apply bandages to wounds (yours).

18. Take two aspirins and lie down.